Calling References Was More Awkward Than I Expected — And Worth It Anyway

I put off calling references for longer than I should have. Not because I didn't understand the point, but because it felt strange to cold-call a stranger and start asking them to grade someone else's work. It turned out to be one of the more useful hours I spent during the whole vetting process, and nowhere near as awkward as I'd built it up to be in my head.

Why It's Worth the Discomfort

Every builder has a portfolio of finished, photogenic houses. What a portfolio doesn't show you is what it was like to actually live through the process with that person — whether they answered the phone during a crisis, whether the timeline they promised bore any resemblance to the one that actually happened, whether the relationship survived the inevitable disagreements over money or scope. References are the only place you get that information from someone with nothing to gain from flattering the builder.

It also matters because a builder chooses their own references. Nobody hands you a random client list. So the goal isn't just gathering praise — it's listening for what a carefully selected, presumably happy client still hesitates over, or mentions almost in passing. Those small hesitations tend to be the most honest part of the whole conversation.

Where the Complications Show Up

The obvious complication is that references are, by definition, filtered. A builder isn't going to hand you the number of the client who's currently in a dispute with them. So you're never getting the full picture from references alone — you're getting the best-case picture, and your job is to read between the lines of even that.

The other complication is more logistical: people are busy, and a lot of my calls started with someone clearly trying to remember details from a project that wrapped up a year or two ago. I found that having a consistent set of questions ready — the same reference check log every time — mattered more than I expected, because it kept the conversation moving even when the person on the other end needed a little prompting to get specific. Vague, general praise ("oh, they were great") isn't actually useful data. Specific answers about communication, timeline accuracy, and how problems got handled are.

Managing the Anxiety of Making the Calls

I think the awkwardness came from feeling like I was imposing — asking a stranger to spend fifteen minutes of their evening doing me a favor, about a topic that felt slightly gossipy no matter how I phrased it. What got me over that hump was reframing it: these were people who had already agreed, through their builder, to take the call. Nobody was ambushed. They knew what it was for.

I also stopped trying to write down a perfect transcript in real time and just let the conversation happen, jotting notes on my reference check log afterward while it was still fresh. That took the pressure off both of us — it felt more like a normal conversation between people who'd been through, or were about to go through, the same experience, and less like a deposition.

By the third call, it stopped feeling awkward at all. It started feeling like due diligence — which is exactly what it was.

Ten Questions Worth Asking

If you want a starting point for your own calls, these are the questions that got me past the polite small talk and into answers I could actually use:

1. Did the final price match the original bid, and if not, what caused the difference?

2. Did the project finish on the timeline you were given at the start?

3. How did the builder communicate when something went wrong or fell behind schedule?

4. Were you able to reach them easily during the project, and did they return calls or messages promptly?

5. Did they bring problems to you proactively, or did you have to find out about issues on your own?

6. How did they handle disagreements over cost, scope, or changes to the plan?

7. Was the quality of the finished work consistent with what was promised or shown in early conversations?

8. Did their subcontractors and crews seem organized and reliable?

9. Is there anything you wish you'd asked or known before hiring them?

10. Would you hire this builder again for another project?

If you would like more on vetting your builder or contractor, this Spreadsheet walks you through the exact questions to ask, how to compare what you hear against actual bids, and how to catch red flags before they become expensive problems.

What's included:

✔ Interview Questions Tab — A ready-to-use list of questions covering licensing, insurance, timeline, communication, and subcontractor management, so you walk into every conversation prepared.

✔ Bid Comparison Tab — Line up bids side by side to compare pricing, scope, and terms instead of digging through separate PDFs and emails.

✔ Reference Check Log — A simple structure for calling past clients and recording what you actually hear, not just what you're told.

✔ Red Flags Checklist — A quick-reference list of warning signs that separate a solid contractor from one who'll cause headaches down the line.

Why you'll love it:

Ask the right questions the first time, instead of realizing what you should've asked after the fact.

Compare contractors apples-to-apples instead of relying on gut feeling alone.

Catch red flags early, before they turn into change orders and delays.

Simple Excel format — no software to learn, just fill in your notes.

If your would like your own copy, get it HERE!